I recently spoke at a Wellness Summit on the journey and path towards healing. It was a wonderful experience because I get excited sharing tools, resources and stories with others. I genuinely love psychology, therapy and being connected with people! I talked about the ups and down, twists and turns and complexity of the healing journey. It's rarely a linear path, and that's okay.
What is healing?
It usually is an innate desire of the mind and body to feel better. In many ways we are programmed to heal, improve and make our way though things. Our physical body is doing this for us all the time, trying to optimize and be efficient to stay healthy as it fights off viruses, germs, diseases and heals from breaks and bruises.
We are also wired for emotional healing, as the mental and emotional state of being is not designed to stay in fight, flight, freeze or intense stress for more than several minutes. We are meant to get out of danger quickly, to be safe. Yet, a large population of people experience chronic stress, anxiety, fear, very real threats and danger on an ongoing basis. Healing from these things could take days, weeks, months or years. It's so important not to judge the process and put a "time limit" on yourself.
Healing is a personal experience, there is no right or wrong. It occurs when we can lean into honesty and vulnerability, safely. Healing could be many things, like a balanced emotional state of being, a relationship, overcoming something, re-emerging into something, completely change, but whatever it looks like it is a place we can reflect, forgive, change, shift and/or grow. Hopefully we create new coping strategies and move away from defensiveness and hurt.
There are various things that impact the pain, trauma or suffering that one endures.
The situation, context of the event, setting, location, people involved
The duration of the harm, if you are still unsafe or unable to get out of it
Has any accountability or responsibility been taken?
Did you personally experience the pain or did you witness it?
Having agency and choice vs. being helpless or unable to protect yourself
Isolation vs. having resources or relationships
Approach yourself and others with compassion, as we never know the depth of the impact. There could be physical scars, and very often emotional scars invisible to others. The trauma or pain can be hiding in digestive issues, chronic headaches, anxiety, lack of sleep, tears, lack of focus or a variety of other symptoms. It could feel risky or scary meeting yourself in the place that needs healing, but it can be equally risky or scary staying in the pain.
A Starting Place
You want to to meet the pain or wound in a compassionate, loving, reflective way. Healing can’t be forced, instead approach it when you desire to be free from the behaviors, thoughts, feelings or destruction it may be causing. Healing happens on many levels - emotionally, cognitively, physically, environmentally, subconsciously and consciously. Be patient and approach the process with an open mind.Sometimes the scariest part of healing is because you have been avoiding, suppressing, ignoring or denying the pain. Validate this, don’t judge it.
Feelings are your guide - You cannot heal what you do not know
Feelings are one of the best ways to understand the deeper parts of ourselves. They can help us identify exactly what is going on by following the feeling deeper. If you are feeling afraid, it's helpful to explore the nuances of what you are afraid of, what do you think could happen, can you picture yourself able to confront it, is there something you can do to change it? There are reasons, answers and maps within the feelings we have. They also reveal why we have our coping mechanisms, what we are defending and what we really want. They truly are an amazing compass to self awareness.
Repressing, denying or avoiding feelings do not make them go away. This is where the “shadow” is, and it can often breed shame, embarrassment, suffering and/or isolation. Learning to speak of the feeling “outside of you” gives it space to breath. Whether you do this energetically, physically, verbally or emotionally, accept that the feeling is not you or the other person, it is a state of being. Fearing your feelings is an opportunity to develop a relationship with them. I often ask my feelings, "What do you want me to learn? If I ignore you, I know you will find a way to be known, so let's talk." (Honestly, this is exactly what I say to myself!)
What are ways to learn from your feelings as it relates to healing?
How does this feeling affect my life?
What can I do to support this feeling?
How do I want to transform this feeling?
What is the story I tell myself because I feel this way?
Do I try to compensate some way because I feel this way?
What beliefs have I developed because of this feeling?
In healing, don’t try to escape the discomfort. Building your own window of tolerance is growth. Healing is being honest and vulnerable with what happened and accepting your reactions. This is the critical point where we can be judgmental and harsh with ourself or we can be understanding and kind. Choose kindness for yourself! Believe that you are not stuck here. YOU ARE NOT THE TRAUMA OR PAIN. You have feelings about it, have been impacted by it, but it is not your identity.
Understand if you developed coping strategies to get through the pain, you can develop coping strategies to move through it and on the other side of it. Don’t gaslight yourself: You can do better, you let this happen, everything happens for a reason, just move on, it’s time to get over it - Acknowledge you have feelings about it. I see so many people minimize their experience and shame themselves, which leads to a spiral of desperation and more pain. I encourage you to allow yourself to feel the feels, talk to someone about it, see a therapist, dance it out, write it down, exercise the energy, just don't pretend it doesn't exist.
Trauma and the Body
Our body stores our experiences
Research shows trauma and suffering affect our brain, digestive system, cognitive functioning, nervous system, reproductive system and sensory systems.
Intergenerational Trauma
Epigenetics, emotional passing down, learned behavior, repeating trauma, internal family systems.
Understanding Triggers and Activations
The body responds to senses, thoughts, interactions and other things in the environment. It's essential to listen and attune to the bodies responses to trauma, pain or long term suffering. Carefully caring for that and supporting the body as needed is vital. The idea of pushing through it or ignoring how the body reacts can negatively impact the healing journey.
Transition from “react” to “respond”. Often we react or reply quickly to things because we haven't processed or dealt with the situation. It almost feels like an automatic or default response. Through the healing process it's possibly to learn how to pause, evaluate and decide how you want to respond. This is a learned skill of self awareness and self regulation, and possible.
Learning how to regulate an array of emotions can be stabilizing. This can build self confidence in handling and managing life and relationships. Feelings come and feelings go, but when we get stuck in a feeling and spiral it's much harder to feel grounded.
Recognize if you’re responding to the wound or what’s happening in real time. This is essentially what a trigger is - it activates something inside of us that hasn't been resolved, still holds pain, we have emotions attached to it, it's an open emotional wound or there's a difficult memory. Triggers are serious so it's valuable to understand what they are and how to heal them. This could be an indicator of PTSD, complex PTSD and trauma responses. Often therapy and professional mental help can guide you through the process.
Where can healing lead you?
Understanding and dealing with the depth of the wound can lead to personal fulfillment, constructive vs. destructive thoughts, diminished defenses and self acceptance.
Redesign your purpose, identity or direction in your own life.
Reveals that all the parts of you that are lovable.
Nurtures self-acceptance, acceptance of others, forgiveness and self- confidence.
Create closeness, intimacy, vulnerability and better relationships.
Live in a healthier physical body.
"Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."
Brene Brown
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